Not anymore!

I originally deleted my previous post (re:Here come the bastards) as I felt that people took it personally. But the truth is, I cannot suppress my thought process and emotion solely based on others feelings. While I understand the interpretation of the written word can be received in different manners, fear of others opinions are what have gotten me in binds in the past. If we do not feel the ability to speak openly and honestly about our feelings and our thoughts, they become suppressed and lead to negative thoughts and eventually negative behaviors.

Perhaps I sometimes say things thay are heard differently based on my personality, and I will admit that sometimes my pride is misinterpreted as ego. Ego is not my intention. Transparency and sharing success as well as failures is my goal. It is not to offend, upset, undermine, discriminate or devalue anyone at any time. I take a no bullshit approach to my recovery because that is what I need to do, in turn-it is important for others to understand that this is the way I am taking control of my recovery.

My opinions posted here in the blog are a mental framework and reminder to myself, and coming to these pages ensure my ability to remain grounded amidst all of the negative shit that has happened in my life-and where I intend to go from here. It is also an excellent opportunity for people to see the true perils and hardwork that goes into recovery-a lifelong process. Many people outside the recovery community are able to see how spirituality and kindness play into recovery as well-such as Refuge Recovery and their guiding principles.
So, where do we go from here? How many times can one beat a dead horse before they realize it id in fact: dead?

To an addict, everything is taken literally and personally. Nothing we can do about it, it is programmed. I write this AS an addict with enough self awareness to understand this. When we are in active using, we honestly feel that we understand not only where people are coming from, but why they are saying what they are saying (we do not though). It is not until we have achieved that “spiritual awakening” that we understand ourselves AND what others were saying. We often see the outreach from others change based on the old “us” once we enter recovery.

Many people seclude themselves from us (addicts) to avoid negative interaction, avoid hearing us lie, belittle, berate, make excuses and so on. They do not want to deal with us or our actions because they want to move on with their lives without dealing with their addicted love one. Now, this is not the case in every situation-but take into mind how much our family and friends in themselves have put into encouraging recovery for us. They have to work hard too in order to encourage us until we are ready to begin recovery. However, it is also important to understand that once an addict enters (or reenters after a period of use) recovery-the work has only just began. An addict needs those they rely on MORE THAN EVER upon entering recovery….as the loneliness feeling and depleted self worth becomes more obvious than ever!

This being said-the reaching out of fellows and their bold and brazen honesty is what needs to be heard sometimes. Honesty is important to the addict and the truth does in fact hurt sometimes. This is no secret among addicts, we just don’t want to hear it. If that is the case and that is a reason to avoid conversation, then you are essentially not “ready to take certain steps” that we hear in our meetings. While we feel we are ready, we must be brutally honest with ourselves, even if that means hearing the truth from our loved ones.
I have heard the word ego alot in the last 2 years. I have been called an egoist, emomaniac, egotistical, even egoillogical (the fuck does that even mean). And while I embrace the intention and expression, I don’t use that as a point of focus (even though this blog is essentially addressing ego) but as a tool to tune my recovery. What is perceived AS ego to many, may not be the intention of the source of ego. I sometimes (ok regularly) do not realize this ego and I need to hear it. Thats brutal honesty coming from loved ones-yes it fucking sucks, but it is necessary. I do my best not to take it personally….it needs to be addressed, acknowledged and moved onward. Hearing it multiple times is not necessary especially after an apology is issued.

We all have the gumball brain when itcomes to life. We all have challenges we face, we have relationships to repair, deeds that we need to remedy, more work than ever. I am going to put this out there real quick so that maybe it can be understood of how difficult life is and what we need to do to overcome….my transparency.
My wife and I are separated right now after my temporary lapse in January. This of course was following a few months of turmoil inside my head that went unaddressed. My disease needed attention and I ignored the warning signs. I, at the time, did not have a counselor to help me through the bumps in the road. I was hardcore focused on RRKZOO and chairing multiple meetings per week, I was teaching in additional capacities, working with addicts, going to hospitals when families reached out to me to be with members of both communities I belong to, working my ass off at school, running a shipping department for a multi-million dollar supply house, trying to balance family life, planning a cruise with my family, trying to determine a way to stay sober on the cruise, working on this website, working on getting my credit squared away among a fuckton of other things. You know…..life shit. I was so focused on everything else, that I essentially forgot about the one person in this journey that matters the most to me….that person…was me.

My health started to fail as I returned to a diet regimine of Green Monsters, donut sticks, pizza and tacos and tobacco. These “comforts” became a secondary addiction that I totally blew off because I was focused on staying busy so I didn’t have time to lapse. Obviously-it fucking happened, or I wouldn’t be writing about it. While I find calm in surrounding chaos-it isn’t healthy and I now realize that maybe that observation may too be a red flag. So….I lapsed and it was important for me to do so because it hit my spiritual reset. I am back to working on me for me and my family again. I was forced to slow the fuck down. Now I reflect to January and I am aware of it all. I am aware of what led up to my use in the prior months. I am aware-of my ego….my pride, my desire to help others….my desire to be integral in helping people.

I can’t do it alone….but I did for a very long time. That was my demise…and I am aware. So let this be an opportunity of observation based on our own individual intentions. While your intentions may be pure and positive, there are those who do not see it that way when you don’t share all of the information. Be transparent in your recovery, talk about your “secret uses” and your thoughts and feelings. That is the reason MEETINGS are closed. That is why we need each other in our recovery. It is suggested to find a higher power, I understand that, but if you do not put faith into your own recovery including being honest with yourself, you run the risk of utilizing your higher power as a scapegoat.
Namaste
~e
#saysorrysometimes #teamwork #loveyouraddict

*this post is edited from original

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