Now, let us address the purpose of compulsion to write this blog. The reasoning in my head as to why I felt the need to address those who stumble across this lonely webpage in a superior multispace of information via the web….relapse.
A scary term for anyone in recovery. A term that has a built in stigma, automatic damnation and above all-judgement placed upon it. We, as addicts, are all too familiar with what happens when we relapse, lapse or slip. Whatever you want to call it, regardless of the duration, it is simply taboo among those in recovery. For me however, it is different. While it was a bad evening with an unfavorable outcome, it was something that increased my awareness and my humility. It brought some issues to mind and some observations to fruition.
It made me realize how small my inner circle really was. Even through every tear, moment of honesty and transparency throughout my recovery, those who have claimed to be true buddhist, those who are following the path, those who believed in me….simply stated in no such terms “fuck him”.
You know what-that is totally okay with me. I know I cannot do this alone, I know the struggles in life will still be there, I know I have spiritual soilwork to attend to….I know what needs to be done.
My secondary sangha has not however said one negative thing about my relapse. They have supported me, loved me and helped me. They check in on me and chat with me on occasion. I do not know why they are so kind-but they have had my back through everything. So let me ask this as an overall inquiry. I drank one time in 2 years….does that mean I need to destroy my pride and all that I have worked hard for in teaching, learning, understanding, loving and caring, supporting etc? Fuck no it doesn’t….you can go ahead and be a slave to the calendar-for someone who used to drink as much as I did to all of a sudden quit and make it almost 2 years….pretty fucking impressive if you ask me.
Add to it that I have had zero desire to drink since jan 9th, I have lost a bunch of weight AND I am more spiritually in tune than I ever have been. Someone recently mentioned they are “concerned about my intentions” based on a conversation we had. I need to address that as it has sat like a poison in my belly since reading those words. I have no intentions-I am working on being and staying sober….period. I have had more negative shit happen to me in the last 3 months than I think has happened over a longer period of time in a while. The date on the calendar is important-to those it is important to. I am not saying that I think it is ok to relapse, but what i AM saying is…its recovery, it happens…and whether you like it or not…..recovery and relapse go hand in hand.
I find it very difficult to believe that every single person that has stepped into the rooms have never relapsed. As a matter of fact-I have been honest and forthcoming with everything.
This all being said, I just want everyone to understand that regardless of the turmoil in your life, the things we face and the battles we fight-we are given the resources for a reason. Use them, do not follow my example as the outcome may (and most likely will be) different from mine. Use the phone, text, call, meditate, go to a meeting, read your book, grab some coffee….whatever the fuck it takes….because truth be told you WILL fail if you do not work a program. Many are not sobriety strong enough to get right back on the recovery train after a lapse. It isn’t easy.
Namaste and I love you; keep going
#notaslave #keepyourcoins #itonlyworksifyoudo
*this post has been edited from the original