I am working on changing the “feel” of my home office and uncluttering the space from some of the negative energy that has surrounded me in the past. A year ago this sunday I had new carpet installed in here I believe, perhaps it was 2 years ago. I have spent so many nights down here, I cannot remember.
As I start placing items that have either long been neglected or forgotten into boxes, I start consolidating my plethora of journals and notebooks full of my gibberish. Some sober, most of them written while intoxicated either on drugs, alcohol or sex. I toss one of the most recent journals onto the couch and it bounces (I mereley placed it gingerly with perhaps a gentle force-not so much a toss) and flips open to a particular page.
Now, let me set the stage for you so as to understand some pertinent information. My home office is a place of hell, confusion, frustrations, disappointment, success, pride, satisfaction…you get the point. I have spent many hours staring at the glowing screen of my laptop, countless bottles of vodka, whiskey and beer, I have smoked cigars, vaped, chewed tobacco, I have stressed over tests and high fived myself-I have been through shit in this office….and that is why I am changing things. I need to.
Theres been a lot of good that has happened down here as well. Countless overnight stays with the kids and their friends, conversations, gaming with old school nintendo, dance parties, art, song writing, crafting, amazing holiday parties (when it was the home bar). Hands down-one of the most entertainment filled rooms in the house. Every few years we change it up-I have been working on it for a couple of weeks.
I stare at the 8 or so boxes I have packed, understanding this is ME time and reflection and recognize the need now more than ever. My son just left the room after a conversation about girls, college and recovery (literally just now-I stopped typing to talk to him). And I am even more motivated to clean up this space. To give it a particular feel. The paint is in good repair, the carpet is just fine, the clutter however….needs to go. My desk sits untouched since the day I left for 5 months…it is time to make this a room of like again.
I have recently done some outlandish (to some) things in my life. In september I bought a big ass truck, I have a peacock colored mowhawk, I have a nose ring, stretched ears and both of my arms are covered in tattoos. I have a shrine in which my Buddhism stuff is placed, I have a big ass television to play video games when I have time, I started rollerblading again, I work a shitload AND attend a lot of meetings each week both online and in person. I am trying to find that stride that has long been forgotten for myself.
This time however I am attempting to be mindful not to hinder my relationships with people along the way. I have done enough damage in the past due to my addictions and conceit, my ego, my pride. I had a difficult time embracing my challenges in life, my struggles with alcohol, my addiction….and the stigma attached. Which friends…is why I am writing this today. Mind you, I am not looking for any form of congratulations or celebratory effect based on what I am about to say.
I am a shameful, hurt, tired alcoholic in recovery….again. And this time again, I strung together another 5 months consecutive. I dont require coins, as I have plenty from prior attempts at recovery. But this time just feels different. I have spoken of this in the past, but I truthfully believe I am doing so well this time, because I want to. Not because I am being forced to, not because there are ultimatums in place, or the looming threat of negative actions, but because I whole heartedly believe that the relief is upon me in understanding that recovery is a want this time as well as a need.
I have forced myself into recovery in the past to appease people, or hid my use to avoid confrontation (by lying or downplaying) but now, this time it is different. Have I burned bridges? Yup sure have, do I regret it? Some of them yes, have I attempted to repair them? Not really-the ones that are important to me….
This time it is for me. So….lets get to the part where I started explaining the sole purpose for this post. (tangents=Gumball Head)
The page the journal opened up to, was a poem I wrote-literally on my 5th month during my last stint at avoiding responsibility while using alcohol to escape reality. On the eve of my 5th month….where I should be sleeping due to an early and long day, I read this poem, and I would like to share it with you. Here we go.
I just got my 5 month coin
I am so glad I did
I never would have got that coin
If it wasn’t for my kid
I know deep down inside
It killed him to make the call
But had he not picked up the phone
I may not be here at all
My life was a twisted tale
Ups, downs and arounds
When I say he called the cops
It’s not as bad as it sounds
I had too much to drink that day
My son completely knew
When he dialed 911
He may have stopped me from killing you
My life was full of sad and regret
But that day life just begun
You see Im 5 months sober today
And for that I thank my son.
I wrote this as an homage to my son after intervening with my choice to drink and drive. I made it .3 miles from home before being pulled over. It changed my life and brought to fruition the absolute peril of addiction, and provided me with resources toward recovery. A few months later, I founded Refuge Recovery Kalamazoo. The program is still going strong, and serves many people in the area. Due to my return to AA I no longer had the energy to maintain the program in the faciltator capacity, but I still encourage people to check it out if you are looking for something different.
It is late, I am tired, and my battery is about dead on my phone. I wish you all wellness, love and internal peace. Pray, meditate and be most excellent to one another